The Senses
by dk2022
Summary: On a drunken mission, Ron must do all he can to get Hermione laid... Even if it's with Severus Snape. Rating for later chapters. COMPLETE!
1. The Hole

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the Harry Potter universe, however drunken ramblings are publicly owned.

Author's Notes: If you don't like drunk!Ron or Ron and Hermione being friends, turn away now. Slight nod towards slash. Thanks to my beta, deltadasher, aka my little sister, for the quick read over, and this shall hopefully be finished in five chapters (one for each sense). Remember to review, and enjoy.

_Written as part of Fic101, a fanfiction challenge community on LiveJournal. Prompt: 5. Listen_

* * *

"This time next year I'll be famous, Harry'll be sleeping somewhere in the outback of Wales and you, Miss Granger..." The drink sloshed everywhere. "You'll be off being the proverbial ice maiden of Scotland... Or bonking Snape... Probably the former rather than the latter." The red head leered lasciviously at her. "Your knickers have never reached the floor have they, or that contraption you call a bra? Men so much as look at you and they start singing soprano, or announce that they're as straight as a dog's hind leg."

The lips kept moving but Hermione had long since lost interest. Ron was a dear friend, but drunk he was rude, sexist, ageist... Any "-ist" you could think of and he would be it. And worse than that, he thought he could predict the future.

"Tosh," she muttered into her drink.

"No, Tara and Josh. Crikey 'Mione, ever since you started reading those muggle scandals you've been mixing more names than... than..."

"You and your drinks?" she finished, snark belying her comment. A swift middle finger rose as Ron finished his Appletini.

To her credit, Hermione had been a very good girl, and an even better friend than anyone could imagine. Every twenty first of the month she was with Ron, taking care of him as he sloshed his way through each pay check. How he managed to live for the rest of the month was beyond Hermione and Harry.

"Ron, you are famous..." she started cautiously.

"My prediction came true!"

"But this monthly ritual must stop." Ron's face crumbled. 'I should have expected this,' she thought to herself as she placed an awkward around the weeping man's shoulders.

"How could you say that Hermione?" Closing her eyes she counted to ten. "This is what Harry would have wanted! He wanted us to be happy!" Ron raved on, the histrionics enough to rival Molly Weasley's.

"Ron, dearest Ron, how can you be happy if you're crying over Draco?"

Instantly the tears and pandemonium stopped. "Hermione, we must away to work!"

"But your office doesn't open until nine," Hermione told him softly but firmly, like a mother with her child.

"Your work!"

"But the children?!" She didn't mind staying up for her friend, but waking up first years with the caterwauling red head singing the latest Youtubians song, that just pushed her over the limit, and she didn't appreciate Ron's apparent lack of care and responsibility.

"But you need to be bonking Snape! I can't let you die a born again virgin!"

"And Snape is the way to go?" she asked incredulously, ignoring the born again virgin comment completely.

"He's the only one brainy enough and young enough to actually understand you when you talk about things like... like..."

"Television?"

"Exactly! And Snape knows exactly what that is."

'Snape would know about television, he's a half blood,' Hermione thought to herself, but hadn't the heart to tell Ron.

"Come on! I need to save the hole between you legs!" Blushing, Hermione allowed herself to be dragged out the Leaky Cauldron, Ron in front mumbling loudly about knickers, virgins and snakes.


	2. Tea Time

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone, or anything. Wish I did though.

Author's Notes: Haha! A second part, at last. It's short, but only because my brain wanted to rebel and not work in a shop on a Saturday afternoon when it was lush and sunny. Uh… Oh! Thanks to my little sister aka deltadasher for the beta (you can find her in my favourite authors section) for the quick beta, and remember to review. It feeds the brain you know.

--

"Auror Weasley, please explain to me why you wished to meet me in this… establishment," Severus Snape ordered, his eyes darting around the décor of the room. Madame Puddifoot's hadn't changed since the last time he had entered – twenty five years ago.

"You need to help me." Ron, in his usual Gryffindor brashness, just came straight out with it.

Severus took a sip of his Earl Grey. "Really, Weasley? I tried to do that in your third year to which you and your colleagues repaid me by knocking me out."

"Sir, this is important, more important than anything else. Hermione need to be saved."

Severus eyed Ron warily. "She does not."

"Yes she does!" Ron exploded, causing couples at near tables to look up at the two men. "Madame Puddifoot's just isn't the same," one customer muttered. Ron coughed. "Yes, she does," he repeated quieter.

"And how does she need saving?" Severus asked, sneering.

Ron flushed slightly.

"No! I will not make you an abortive potion. You two were responsible to do the act now--"

"I'm gay."

Severus stopped mid-tirade about the sanctity of life, the universe, and everything in it. "Excuse me?"

"I'm gay," Ron repeated.

"And that concerns me how?"

"Last night, as I was progressively getting drunker, I had an epiphany."

"You can use such words?"

"And I realised," Ron continued, as if he hadn't heard Snape insult him, "that you would be perfect for her. You're smart and… uh… And smart, and you almost live together anyway so --"

"Weasley, are you suggesting that I pursue a relationship with a colleague?" Severus asked, slightly horrified.

"Not any colleague, just Hermione!" Ron argued, as if just Hermione was a logical answer.

"And what does Professor Granger think of this proposition?"

"She thinks I've gone mad," Ron admitted, staring into the delicately patterned china cup.

Severus sneered, "I can see why."

"No, not because of whom I suggested but why I suggested it in the first place."

"Do I wish to know how you suggested this enterprise?" he drawled.

"I said that we needed to save the hole between her legs," he whispered, like the child he once was.

Severus blinked. Ron hadn't realised that he had rendered his old Potions Master, the bat in the dungeon, speechless.

"I want her to remember the joy of sex and if it's with you, well, so be it."

"So be it?" Snape roared, making several of the tea room's patrons' gasp, even making one faint. "Bloody poofters," one man muttered to his fiancée.

"No, not so be it!" Ron placated. "Ugh, I can't speak today. Look," he carried on as Severus sat down, "if Hermione asks, can you please go out with her… Or just shag her? She fancies the pants off of you, I can tell. Just shag her."

Severus rolled his eyes; little did Ron know…


	3. Drinkies!

Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue. Thank you.

Author's notes: No disrespect to any person who is gay, and Harry isn't a homophobe, he's a 'Stupid friend!' basher. He likes gay people (not in the like like way, just the 'I'm cool with you being you' sort of way). Uhm. Swearing in this chapter, so you have been warned. Quick read over by deltadasher and MS Word (yikes I love my computer!). Enjoy and don't forget to review. Reviews keep me happy, like yummy cups of warm beverages.

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Severus' meeting with Ron was many months ago, and Hermione had had several meetings with the redhead, albeit drunken ones, since Ron had decided to "save the hole between her legs". Harry had even joined them the last time, planning their yearly get together with the Order. Ron had enjoyed his company, so much so that he only drank pints, which were a damned sight cheaper than the Appletini stuff he usually drank.

"_So, how are things up in Hogwarts?" Ron leered after his seventh pint._

"_Fine," she replied, knowing exactly what Ron wanted to know._

"_Really? How are the kinky beasts up there?"_

"_As far as I'm aware, unkinky, what with exams on our tails," she informed him as she sipped her cider._

"_Ron, what are you going on about?" Harry asked, after swallowing a mouthful of Guinness._

"_He wants me to have a sex life," Hermione informed him, before finishing her drink._

_Harry stuck out his lower lip, pondering, before saying, "Fair cop. You going up to the bar?"_

Over their drinks they planned where to meet, and when. The boys would Apparate to Hogwarts and meet Hermione at the gates (their get together was also the anniversary of the downfall of Lord Voldemort, but they didn't let it get in the way of a good knees up), and, as McGonagall was such a nice headmistress (and Hermione had incriminating photos of her that she didn't want the world to see) everyone was staying at Hogwarts. The school term would be over by then, so no harm done. Ron would be able to sing to his heart's content, even if it meant sore ears for everyone else.

--

The night of the get together, Hermione was dressed to the nines. Her hair was controlled, her waist cinched in whilst her boobs were up, hugging her ears (as her mother would say).

"Bugger heck, who is he Herms?"

"It's Hermione you plonker, and there isn't anyone," she told Ron haughtily.

"What? Snape's not going to be there?"

"He will be--"

"So you dressed up for him!" Ron interrupted.

"Him? Who's him and wow 'Mione I hope this him is worth it!" Harry gasped, as he Apparated into the conversation.

Hermione groaned. "Don't call me Mione or Herms or Hermy-Wormy or anything like that," she ordered childishly, like a girl with an evil aunt who was too lazy to pronounce her name.

"Yes Hermione," the boys chorused, and, laughing like drains, the three walked to the castle.

--

Hogwarts was festooned with people, which made spying on Hermione much easier for Severus – no-one could tell who he was spying on. She was in blue, a colour that suited her well, and wreathed in tiny strands of beads that glittered in the candlelight. Potter and Weasley were both escorting her, a task Severus himself longed to do. Weasley was craning his head around like a meerkat, keeping an eye out for a hyena. Potter then disengaged from Hermione and went over to the younger Weasley, now Mrs. Something-or-Other; Severus couldn't really remember, and to be honest, didn't really care. The two could be married to each other for all he knew.

But Hermione was the jewel in the crown. She just glowed.

Walking to the punch bowl, he made damned sure he stopped next to Hermione's elbow.

"Severus! Been here long?" she asked politely, pouring herself a drink.

"Only since I was twenty one," he joked darkly, before smiling slyly.

"Funny," she drawled, rolling her eyes before smiling back.

"I thought so at least. I saw you enter with your cohorts." He arched a brow enigmatically.

Hermione snorted. "Cohorts! We've not been called that in years!" Sipping her drink she kept her eyes on Severus, who seemed well aware of her staring.

"Yes, Professor Granger?"

"Nothing," she replied demurely.

He stepped into her personal space and whispered, "Are you sure? You look… hungry."

She laughed coquettishly, and blushed ever so slightly. "To be honest, I haven't… eaten… in a while…"

Severus flushed slightly at the thought, when the music changed. "Care to dance?"

--

"What?" Harry asked.

"Professor Snape is dancing with Hermione!" Ginny told him (who, incidentally, she was married to, for at least a good three years).

"Git!" he exclaimed. Marching over, he called out, "Oi! What are you doing with your hands all over Ron's girlfriend?"

"Harry mate, I'm gay," Ron told him tersely from the arms of Draco Malfoy, who was nuzzling his ear.

"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

"Harry mate," Ron repeated, as if to a small child, "I'm gay. As in only interested in the sausage-fest, men only interest groups, being a mo… You know, uhm… A horrorsexuam!"

"Homosexual," Hermione corrected quietly, more out of habit than anything else.

"Yeah, that!" he agreed whole heartedly, disengaging from Draco's arms.

Harry was steaming. "And you didn't think to fucking tell me?"

"I bloody did!"

"When?"

Ron blushed and mumbled an answer.

"I'm sorry, what the bloody fuck did you just say?"

"When you were on honeymoon with Ginny--"

"So she's married to Potter!" Severus whispered to Hermione, who nodded mutely.

"—Through a letter…" Ron finished, lamely.

Everyone watched as Harry Potter, Boy Wonder, Vanquisher of Evil, landed a heavy blow on his best friend's nose. The crowd gasped in all the right spots, but stood back as the two boys brawled, their wands forgotten in a haze of testosterone.

"I hope there's some of that left for me," Draco muttered to Ginny, who nodded, wide eyed.

"Enough!" came the Scottish drawl of McGonagall. "Mr Weasley, congratulations on coming out of the closet to your friend. I, myself, am a lesbian, and enjoy the company of my own sex rather than men. Mr Potter, Hermione is old enough, and wise enough to look after herself. Stop fighting for Merlin's sake! Now, shake hands," she commanded, as if to two school children, not established men of the generation, "and apologise, as if you mean it!"

Shaking hands, Harry said, "Sorry Ron," to which Ron replied, "No problem mate. Hermione was never really my type… Uh… Speaking of Hermione…"


	4. Kinky

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I'm merely being a puppeteer of someone else's puppets. So no suing.

AN: Thanks to deltadasher and MS Word for the beta reads (I say beta read, MS Word can't read, only internalise what's been written on its program). Sorry it's a shortie (I'm planning my NaNoWriMo as I type) but I hope you enjoy.

--

They were long gone. Harry and Ron came to blows, Hermione and Severus retreated.

Quickly.

Out the doors they ran, the corridors now the veins to his rooms. Hearts pounding, they flew with lustful thoughts keeping them company.

At his door they stopped, their pants now blessing the other's cheek. Suddenly, Hermione laughed.

"What's wrong?" Severus asked.

"I just ran the halls of Hogwarts to get to the dungeons, and we get here to not have kinky sex," she told him, staring intently into his eyes.

Severus growled and pushed Hermione against the door. "How kinky?"

Hermione blushed. "The kinkiest."


	5. Dirty

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm borrowing characters and the like. Do not sue…

Author's Notes: Yes, this is it. The end. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this fic, and had it on alert or favourite-ed (yes, it is an awkward word, and Word doesn't like it, but that's what you get when you make a verb into a noun… Or however that works. I never did get that part of grammar in English.). And, since you've lasted to the end of this fic, with a drabble as a chapter, here's something longer. Thanks to deltadasher for the encouragement, and MS Word for the beta (which is why it doesn't like favourite-ed).

Also, some naughty words ahead (as a reward for the silly hijinks and drabble chapter you had to endure). Enjoy.

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"So then what happened?" Ron asked excitedly, cradling his head in his hands, his elbows on the hardwood table. On the table, next to a stump of wax the pub called a candle, stood his Appletini, getting warmer with each passing moment.

"With a soft, clean feather duster, he teased me all over. He really is a dungeon master," Hermione confided, slightly drunk on alcohol, oxygen and sex.

"He's got chains?" he asked incredulously, a bit drunker than Hermione.

"Yes." She was grinning like the cat who got the canary.

"And whips?"

"Yes," she sighed dreamily.

"And a big knob?"

"Ye—None of your business Ron Weasley!" she replied, stopping herself from disclosing too much information.

"So then what?"

"Why do you want to know?" she asked carefully, hoping that the question didn't set off the hysterics of past meetings.

"My mission in life is to make sure that the hole between your legs is saved! Is it?"

"Yes -- "

"But I need proof before I can say that my mission was a success. So then what did he do?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and carried on with her story. "With one of the scented candles he…"

--

"You're sneaking in, Professor Granger. Where have you been?" a dark, velvet voice whispered softly into her ear, as large, warm hands rested against her stomach. Effectively, she was pinned against his body.

"I was visiting a friend…" she explained as Severus started nuzzling her throat. Pushing her riotous curls to one side, brief kisses found their way to her neck. "Really?" he asked, before licking her earlobe gently.

"Reh—really," she replied breathlessly. "Would you want my friend to arrive at the door in a drunken tangle, asking why his wards wouldn't recog--"

"Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"Be quiet," he commanded, before turning her in his arms to face him and kissing her soundly on the lips. Her body reacted instantly; arms wrapped around his shoulders, her body pressed flush against his, her nipples tight, his cock hard. Nimbly, Severus set to work on Hermione's clothes, taking away each layer of her cotton armour. Soon her skin was exposed, the low fire in the hearth painting intricate shadows on the planes of her stomach. Kneeling, he began kissing her abdomen, his hands on her bum cheeks.

Hermione's hands came to rest on his head, to keep contact between his delicious lips and the skin he was anointing. Slowly, she knelt before him and started kissing his neck as he fiddled with her bra clasp. Those warm hands that kept her bum cheeks warm found their way to her breasts, the perfect flesh begging to be kissed, the nipples taunting him to suck them, nibble them.

Moving away slightly, he motioned for Hermione to lie on the floor. Between her legs he placed himself, before latching onto one lush, rosy nipple. A moan of pleasure and Hermione's back was arching, wanting more pleasure from his mouth, with a short gasp dashing from her lips as Severus flicked her other nipple. Nails ran down his naked back, making him shudder slightly as he swapped his attention from one nipple to the other.

And there they stayed for a while, a tableaux of passion before a light fireplace, until Hermione's hips began bucking, trying to calm the fire between her legs.

"Calm yourself," he whispered, before kissing the valley between her breasts. Then, slowly, he moved down her body, his fingers tailing down her sides, making her shiver. Reaching her knickers, he kissed her clit through the material, her sighs now long moans of unquenched passion. Languidly, the supple cloth released her soft, aching flesh. Grinning, Severus kissed the tops of her thighs, waiting for her to beg.

"Please… now… sex…" Hermione gasped as she reached for Severus.

"All in due time," he murmured to her hips, before kissing her clit, licking it slightly. In opulent heaven, she offered herself to him, bringing her hips closer to his lips. One digit slowly entered her and, as it moved, Severus removed his pyjama bottoms.

Hermione's hands were busily playing with her nipples, pinching and rubbing the bundles of nerves, when Severus slid his cock into her. Her hands stilled. "Keep playing," he breathed into her ear, then kissing her neck. Acquiescing, Hermione began anew her playtime with her breasts, enjoying Severus watching her as he thrust into her willing flesh. "Can I ride you?" she breathed, matching his tempo with her hips.

With a pleasured sigh, he rolled them so that Hermione was on top, her hair cascading down to her shoulder blades. A few errant curls tried to hide her nipples, but she soon pulled them to their rightful place. Severus' hands were on her hips, and then on those delicious nipples she allowed the room to see. "Pinch them," she pleaded, her hips moving faster.

"With… pleasure…" he replied, his own orgasm nearing as he helped Hermione gain more pleasure. The wetness around his cock was increasing, the friction building in Hermione, making the sensations push both of them closer to the edge.

"Se… Se… I'm… I'm…!" The rest of the sentence was cut off with a long groan of pleasure. Her warmth increased and Severus moved her hips for her, made the muscle spasms work for him. He flipped them over and started pounding into her, caring little for much other than his own orgasm; close, so very close, he soon realised Hermione was talking. "Fuck Severus, your cock is still the best I've ever had. You're banging me so fucking hard, my cunt loves it. Come up me. Make me yours with that amazing dick you're fucking me with. Make my cunt wet with your come." She started playing with her nipples again and Severus, closer than ever with his nubile partner talking dirty to him, flew over the cliff of pleasure he had been gripping onto.

"Hermione…" he began, panting, as he came down from his orgasmic high.

"Yes?" she replied, equally breathless.

Looking into her eyes, he smiled and kissed her softly on the lips.

Smiling back, she said, "Severus?" He grunted quietly. "Severus, next time, talk dirty to me."

Chuckling, he _Accio_'d a blanket. "Yes dear," he replied, kissing her head. Thank Merlin for gay Weasleys.

* * *

Thank you and good night.


End file.
